February 10, 2006
Response to s&m:
Are there two things, both appealing in a sort of average way, in your waking world between which you are torn? What do women mean to you?
Good questions, s&m. I'll answer in a stream of consciousness:
Two things in which I am torn...a companion's desire for me and my own desire for a companion. I feel like, as of right now, those two desires haven't met. As illustrated in the dream, even though there is nothing wrong with the other woman and I'm pretty sure she is nice, attractive and fun to be around. Alas, she is not what I desire. When i was younger, I found it heartbreaking to tell a girl "No I'm not interested in you" because at the time I felt the reasoning was "I had a high desire for women". It turned out that non-rejection is about as disrespectful as rejection. It's one thing to be turned down. It's another thing to be led on and used. The coat was made for the two of us and it was her coat. It provided some degree of comfort between us and the floor. The coat did not belong to the other woman nor did I think it would be fair to have all three of us sitting on that coat. It would've caused discomfort for someone. I felt that i've taken the best solution possible: Stop it right there before it does cause a problem. Have the courage to say "No" to a woman.
Women mean a lot to me, as a companion, as a friend, as a lover, as a potential wife and mother. But I must not forget that I need to balance that scale equally. I must not give in to her and she must not give in to me. We must allow each other to compromise. It must be a fight for power, but it also must be a high degree of understanding and patience. There must be pedestals and there must be equal footing. There must be dreams for the future and there must be deeply rooted affection. There must be chaos and there must be structure. We must have our own views and we must be able to defend them. We must be able to defend the other in tight and awkward situations. There must be times when we're alone in tight and awkward situations but we can always rely to go to the other for comfort in the end, no matter how bleak or hopeless the situation is or how badly our feelings have been hurt by others. There must be magic and there must be reality.
Good questions, s&m. I'll answer in a stream of consciousness:
Two things in which I am torn...a companion's desire for me and my own desire for a companion. I feel like, as of right now, those two desires haven't met. As illustrated in the dream, even though there is nothing wrong with the other woman and I'm pretty sure she is nice, attractive and fun to be around. Alas, she is not what I desire. When i was younger, I found it heartbreaking to tell a girl "No I'm not interested in you" because at the time I felt the reasoning was "I had a high desire for women". It turned out that non-rejection is about as disrespectful as rejection. It's one thing to be turned down. It's another thing to be led on and used. The coat was made for the two of us and it was her coat. It provided some degree of comfort between us and the floor. The coat did not belong to the other woman nor did I think it would be fair to have all three of us sitting on that coat. It would've caused discomfort for someone. I felt that i've taken the best solution possible: Stop it right there before it does cause a problem. Have the courage to say "No" to a woman.
Women mean a lot to me, as a companion, as a friend, as a lover, as a potential wife and mother. But I must not forget that I need to balance that scale equally. I must not give in to her and she must not give in to me. We must allow each other to compromise. It must be a fight for power, but it also must be a high degree of understanding and patience. There must be pedestals and there must be equal footing. There must be dreams for the future and there must be deeply rooted affection. There must be chaos and there must be structure. We must have our own views and we must be able to defend them. We must be able to defend the other in tight and awkward situations. There must be times when we're alone in tight and awkward situations but we can always rely to go to the other for comfort in the end, no matter how bleak or hopeless the situation is or how badly our feelings have been hurt by others. There must be magic and there must be reality.
